The galleon, she sinks...

No Delicious for You!

2008-06-20T15:45:20Z

From the memo for Staci's work's dinner party this evening:

DINNER
Delicious. (That's all I'm saying right now, except that vegetarian meals will be available for those who prefer them.)

Why, I do believe they're implying that vegetarian meals will not be delicious!

But I like delicious! Sad dinner party!

Bill Maher Mocks Christianity and Catholics Again

2007-05-31T12:45:28Z

Dear Chairman Nelson:

I sincerely think it's awesome that Time-Warner, HBO, and Bill Maher felt it necessary to attack Christianity in general and Catholics particularly. I find Mr. Maher's comments demeaning to self-righteous busybodies -- please keep up the good work!

It is hoped, in the future, you can use humor that'll REALLY piss off the extreme religious right like the people who belong to the American Family Association. Those folks are crazy!

Sincerely,
Robert Glen Fogarty

IKEA Dahmer is my new punk rock name.

2007-05-31T05:57:25Z

<SubWolf> Now I just need some furniture.
<SubWolf> PC and its peripherals are sitting on a rather unsteady shelf system.
[Fogarty] Cinder blocks and two-by-fours?
[Fogarty] Or carboard and toothpicks?
<SubWolf> Heh, $30 shelf system from Wal-Mart.
[Fogarty] Ah! So the latter, then?
[Fogarty] I need to get a bookshelf, come to think of it.
[Fogarty] I'd go the cinder block and two-by-four route if the damsel wouldn't shoot me for making the house look like it was decorated by a serial killer.
<SubWolf> Heh
[Fogarty] It's the IKEA Dahmer selection. Hey, that wouldn't be a bad punk rock name! Like Jello Biafra. IKEA Dahmer.

On Vox: QotD: This Gets On My Last Nerve

2006-12-12T04:13:18Z

What is your pet peeve, the one thing which really drives you mad? Submitted by Beki.

» Read more on Vox

Chantey sings and toothless things

2006-10-05T09:27:16Z

As aforementioned, the damsel and I will be making our way up to San Francisco this weekend to visit the good Mister Thor and see the Shane MacGowan fronted Pogues! That's not 'til Monday night, though.

On Saturday evening (when we get into town), the plan is to make our way to The Balclutha, a late 19th century ship where a chantey sing will be hosted (as it is on the first Saturday of every month). Anyone else up in that there misty old seaport ever make it to this event? It'd be splendid to meet up with you! It's at 8:00 pm, lasts 'til midnight, and it's free! It's recommended that you "bring a mug for hot cider," though I suspect it's of the unfortified variety.

Hah, hey! That's why flasks were invented, eh?

Make sure to call ahead (415 556-6435) and get your name on the list just to be assured a spot, because I guess they can get pretty crowded. Hargh!

I'm not sure what other mischief-making might be involved in this trip northward, but we'll be in San Francisco from Saturday night to Tuesday afternoon. If you want to meet up during that time, drop me a line! We'll exchange numbers and perhaps duel in some back alley or get in a proper barfight! I don't get to see my San Francisco friends often enough.

In closing, here's an old favorite that wraps up the occasion-to-come quite well, methinks. Cheers!

The Pogues: Sea Shanty

Dear dirty London in the pouring rain
I wish to God I was back on the sea again
Though that belongs to the world of never will be
There was never a wilder bastard than me on the sea.

I could fuck all the whores in damnation, me boys
Though they wriggled and hollered and made a great noise
Then I'd drink 'til I stank and then drink plenty more
And I won't go down to the sea any more.

But if I had ten pounds then I'd raise a loud cheer
And I'd toast all me neighbours both distant and dear
And I'd shoot back great belly-crippling buckets of beer
And a pox and a curse on the people round here
Wouldn't give you me the price of a half pint of beer
Wouldn't give you me the price of a cup of good cheer
A pox and a curse on the people round here!

A man's ambition must indeed be small
To write his name upon a shithouse wall
But before I die I'll add my regal scrawl
To show the world I'm left with sweet fuck all...

And when all of us bold shithouse poets do die
A monument grand they will raise to the sky
A monument made just to mark our great wit
A monument of solid shit now, me boys
I met with Bill James we fought over crusts
I called him a whore and he booted me crotch
Then we shared out the jack and we thought it a treat
The compliments pass when the quality meet
The compliments pass when the quality meet
The compliments pass when the quality meet
The compliments pass when the quality meet...

The California Navels: Tonight!

2006-05-28T22:52:24Z

My friend Loud Louisa runs a '20s - '30s-themed speakeasy on Sunday nights, and The California Navels will be playing tonight! So if you're not up to anything already, come on down! Straight from the dame's mouth (well, fingers, I guess, since she typed it all out):

The Bank
3 of Clubs
1123 N. Vine
Hollywood, California

It's Memorial weekend! Rob a bank (not ours), fill your flask, roll your stockings, find your best hat, and come on out to dance the night away!

This week, The California Navels will be performing their novelty and popular music from the 1920s and '30s, along with original tunes that sound like they were written in the 1920s and '30s... [here's their MySpace page, since all the kids seem to dig it these days.]

Don't be a piker! Come out and play. We know you don't have to work on Monday!

DJ Algonquin will be turning tunes all night. I, Loud Louisa, will be throwing out dead soldiers and we'll all be dancing 'til the doors close.

Psst! And the password, so you can get in for $3 instead of $5, is Gas-House Gables.

In the wake of the Medusa...

2006-05-24T00:54:57Z

The Pogues (with Shane MacGowan) are playing on this side of the U.S.!

Staci and I will be going with Thor up in yonder San Francisco on October 9th. Maybe we can see some of you good folks who live up there, too!

Yes, my friends! This is going to be a good year!

Moving out of Hollywood to Long Beach within the next two weeks is helping my mood aplenty, too. I just want it to be over and done with, already. Onward and upward!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2006-03-18T00:15:07Z

I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, I'm a long way from home
And if you don't like me you can leave me alone
I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll drink when I'm dry
And if moonshine don't kill me, I'll live till I die

I've been a moonshiner for many a year
and I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer
I'll go to some hollow and I'll set up my still
and I'll make you a gallon for a ten shilling bill

I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, I'm a long way from home
And if you don't like me you can leave me alone
I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll drink when I'm dry
And if moonshine don't kill me, I'll live till I die

I'll go to some hollow in this country
Ten gallons of wash and I'll go on a spree
No woman to follow and the world is all mine
I love none so well as I love the moonshine

I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, I'm a long way from home
And if you don't like me you can leave me alone
I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll drink when I'm dry
And if moonshine don't kill me I'll live till I die

Oh moonshine, dear moonshine, oh how I love thee
You killed my poor father but you'll never get me
Bless all moonshiners and bless all moonshine
For their breath smells as sweet as the dew on the vine

1 out of 1 girlfriends agree...

2005-11-04T19:45:57Z

Staci prefers Frank Sinatra to Big Black as waking-up music.

Go figure!

Harpy Hallowe'en!

2005-10-31T18:56:22Z

Hallowe'en

* (Jim Reid / Violet Jacob)

The tattie-liftin's nearly through, they're plooin' whaur the barley grew
And efter dark roond ilka stack you'll see the horsemen stand and crack
O Lachlan, but I mind on you

I mind fu' aften we hae seen ten thoosand stars keek doon atween
The naked branches, and below baith fairm and bothy hae their show
A-low wi' lichts o' Hallowe'en

There's bairns wi' guys that's at their tail cloorin' the doors wi' runts o' kail
And fine you'll hear the screechs an' skirls o' lassies wi' their drucked carles
Bobbin' for aipples i' the pail

The bothy fire is loupin' heat, a new heid-horseman's kist is set
Richt's o'er the lamp whaur by the blaze the auld yin stood that kept yer claes
I cannae thole tae see it yet

But gin the auld folks' tales are richt an' ghaists cam hame on Hallow'n nicht
Oh freend, oh freends what would I gie tae feel yer axe yer hand tae me
Atween the dark an' coral licht

Awa' in France across the wave the wee lichts burn on ilka grave
An' you an' me their lowes hae seen, ye'll maybe hae yer Hallowe'en
Yont whaur you're lyin' way the lave

There's drink an' daf an' sang an' dance an' ploys an' kisses get their chance
But Lachlan, man, the place I see is whaur the auld kist used tae be
An' the lichts o' Hallowe'en in France

(as sung by Jean Redpath)

Maybe we'll see some of you folks at this merry gathering this night? Stranger things have happened.

St. Patrick's In San Francisco?

2005-03-10T12:52:47Z

So what's going on up in yonder San Francisco area for St. Patrick's Day (well, 11ish in the evening) and the weekend thereafter? The scrumptious Staci and I will be there, visiting with the almighty Thunder God Thor.

Karen? Tanya? Seth? I haven't seen any of you in ages and it sure would be keen to clink a few (dozen?) pints with you and sing songs at peasants!

St. Goodness Gracious!

Religion and Bigotry Have No Place In Government!

2005-01-26T22:39:31Z

Again, modified from the AFA's original:

Dear Representative Watson:

Representative Marilyn Musgrave will soon introduce the Marriage Protection Amendment defining marriage as being between only one man and one woman.

Because I strongly believe in the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, which clearly states that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," I urge you to tear this bill to shreds and dispose of it in its proper place: a trash can. I consider it very important. Marriage should be reserved for any consenting adults who think they can handle the responsibility. It should be between two men, two women, two transgendered people, or a man and a woman -- as long as their spiritual beliefs support it, the government should have no place in deciding, one way or the other, what defines marriage.

I look forward to seeing you listed as an opponent to this proposed travesty to the law of the land. Please contact Representative Musgrave and let her know you think she's nuttier than a craphouse canary for trying to mix matters of church and state. It's the right thing to do.

Sincerely,
Robert Glen Fogarty

I think the AFA is getting wise to my prankery, however, as I just got this returned to me with a "nice try!" appended. No matter, though, as anyone can just take the extra step to write his or her congressperson by going here and typing in the appropriate ZIP code. Cutting and pasting is just as easy!

The Red States Can't Get You Down When You're Buying Blue!

2005-01-21T00:18:09Z

(Reposted from vapid.com)

Maybe you voted last November and you feel like you got the shaft. Well, here's a way to vote that can't be tampered with: your dollars!

Sick of inadvertently giving money to the party that gloats and flaunts its red dollars to throw a lavish inauguration bash in the wake of international tragedies, mounting record-breaking national debt, in the midst of wartime?

BuyBlue.org has its list back up (it was down for a bit while they did some further fact-checking), with a ton of alternative companies to cover your needs when you're feeling, well, downright blue about the state of current affairs.

More Fun With The AFA!

2005-01-10T22:58:09Z

Modified from the original, but only slightly...

Kid Rock? Nice One! But Might I Suggest...

Dear Mr. Jenkins,

I ask that Kid Rock be invited to perform naked at the Inauguration's Youth Concert. His appearance is an insult to every Values Voter who voted for Mr. Bush in the last election, so let's see if we can really get their socks in a twirl. Kid Rock's already offensive to the other 49% of the country just because he's a mediocre, talentless public nuisance who should have a restraining order placed against him from microphone companies worldwide.

It is time for the Republican Party to show that it can be as mundane and tasteless as many of us already suspected. If Kid Rock does appear, it will seriously erode the trust that Values Voters have in your party. So keep up the good work!

-Robert Glen Fogarty

This Entry Brought To You By The "F" Word And The "S" Word.

2004-12-18T13:16:56Z

I find it important to keep track of the enemies, and it's not that hard when they're bleating like sheep (really, really annoying sheep) in the wilderness. One of The American Fascist -- oops! Family Association's newest crusades against indecency urges members to fill in automated letters to their Congresspeople and raise a stink about FCC Chairman Michael Powell's decision that the FCC won't fine the ABC stations responsible for airing Saving Private Ryan intact with multiple instances of words no decent Christian would ever allow to soil the sanctity of his or her bodily temple's hearing orifices. Well, I decided to take it a step further and modify the text of this idiocy and send it to my Congresspeople. Here's what resulted:

Michael Powell is, For Once, Doing the Right Thing! Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Those Old Testament-style cranks who run The American Family Association have informed me that FCC Chairman Michael Powell has publicly stated that no action should be taken regarding the prime time airing of "Saving Private Ryan" on ABC last month. He says no action should be taken because the 20 uses of the "f" word and 12 uses of the "s" word were an accurate representation of the events depicted in the movie.

The American Family Association says that "he is wrong," but I'm pretty sure that, if I were in a war zone with stuff blowing up all around me and carnage and gore splattering in my face every five seconds, I'd probably use the "f" word at least 20 times, and I suspect the "s" word would get second-to-top billing not only as a curse word against the forsaking (and, very possibly, imaginary) God above who allows such a Hell on Earth to happen, but also as the material running down my leg from watching my friends get mangled by barbed wire and shrapnel and blown apart by landmines hidden in the sand.

Heck, I'd probably sprinkle in a few liberal (ooh, they HATE it when I use that in its proper context) doses of vulgar words I'd invent especially for the harrowing occasion.

Action should be taken to APPLAUD and REWARD the stations that dared (and continue to dare) to stand up to the religious zealotry and intolerance that threaten to further divide our great nation.

Using Chairman Powell's reasoning, nothing could be declared indecent or obscene. A program on homosexuality would be free to show homosexuals having graphic sex because it would be an accurate representation of hot man-on-man action. And that would turn on a good 84% of the American Family Association, especially the members who don't know how to operate the channel-changing features of their television sets! And then what's next? Reading books (aside from The Good Book) for entertainment? Sacre bleu!

Apparently, Chairman Powell has decided to fortify his responsibility to the public and give the networks and broadcasters (and American citizens who don't want to live in an intolerant quasi-fascist theocracy) what they have long wanted: the freedom to show anything they desire without fear of violating the law. They can always argue that their program was an accurate representation, and The American Family Association can advise its flock in the finer points of watching something else instead of meddling in the affairs of others.

As my elected representative, I implore you to personally speak with Chairman Powell and CONGRATULATE him for standing up for reason in this time of great ignorance. Free speech, tolerance, diversity, and the separation of church and state: These are among the things that make America great. The American Family Association and similarly bigoted organizations are certainly guaranteed the right to express their views, but they cross the line when they threaten to rob the rest of us of our cherished freedoms!

May I hear from you on this matter?

Sincerely,
Robert Glen Fogarty

Want to do the same? Here's where it all happens, baby! And don't forget to share the fun with the rest of the class!

UPDATE: I guess The American Family Association actually doesn't screen its outgoing "Mission From God" mail, so it's gone through as intended! I even received this nice little thank you from the founder:

-----Original Message-----
From: American Family Association [mailto:ayecaptain@hargh.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 18, 2004 4:43 AM
To: American Family Association
Subject: Michael Powell is Doing the Right Thing! Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Thank you very much for your good actions.

Please know that the children of America and those who love decency appreciate your help.

Sincerely,

Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

And I got a form letter from Henry Waxman's office with a copy of my text enclosed, so I know that it went through as-is without interference from the AFA!

Don't worry, though. I won't jinx any further success by blurting out a hasty "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED." I'll leave that to the professional jive turkeys.

Death Below Sea Level

2004-11-30T09:33:22Z

Criminy! The price of gas ~~in Mordor~~...~~on Tatooine~~ in Death Valley is a heaping big bundle of ducats! Those are actual cashmoneyamerican prices right there! See?

But we had a merry auld blast in the wastelands! Staci, my lovely counterpart in crime, has written all about our cliffhanging adventures and ballyhoo hijinx whatnot here.

Improved with extra-strength coyote!

Sorry, Earth.

2004-11-03T16:16:21Z

It's really looking like another four years of Bizarro World America.

Oh, well. Waiting around for the apocalypse was getting tedious, anyway.

101 years in 101 words

2004-10-20T18:34:04Z

Try this!

Here's my stab at it:

The cruise missle ceasefire betwixt the miniskirted It-girls and the cyborg toyboys was worth cool megabucks to the power-dressing eggheads down in the Big Apple. It wasn't some peacenik, hippy love-in, by any means, but the avant garde was held in check by psychedelics discretely popped into sugary lattes and acid-laced microchips, respectively. Generation X songs were sung and bagels were handed out. It was a Mickey Mouse way to dumb down a population once content with the occasional spliff and DNA-swapping sex up, but racism had gotten well out of hand and realpolitik had to ad-lib for the sake of the gene pool. Plus, it was extra sexy (in a Trekkie sort of way). Now if the pissed off adversaries could only be convinced that the F-word might be preferable to Molotov cocktails as a way of disagreement, the lumpenproletariat and Watergate wizard could be having it large, alike.

Let's see what you guys come up with!

Russ Meyer Dies at 82

2004-09-22T17:31:32Z

Oh, crap. Russ Meyer died this weekend!

Sad, sad Christmas.

Pleasure Boat Captains For Truth

2004-09-16T17:31:24Z

One of the best things, ever...

"George W. Bush, a coke fiend? More like, a 'choke' fiend. In the spring of '74, we scored some killer Peruvian blow, and for the next week all George would talk about was how he couldn't wait to try it. Of course, right when we were about to get down to business, he got real quiet and started mumbling--something about his dad, and about how his nose was feeling kind of stuffy all of a sudden.

"A few days later he finally got up the nerve, but he freaked out so bad we had to give him some barbs to bring him back down. They were these little pills, Dexamyl, I think--but most people called them 'purple hearts.'"

--Christopher Wills, Boatswain, "The 'caine Mutiny"

Real-Life Conversations

2004-08-14T20:38:37Z

Staci: I feel crappy.
Me: You drank a whole bottle of wine last night.
Staci: But I always drink a bottle of wine!
Me: And then you always feel crappy!
Staci: (Pausing to reflect) Maybe I do feel crappy when I drink a bottle of wine.

I Like Food! Food Tastes Good!

2004-08-14T07:40:55Z

Los Angeles Insight - Friday the 13th

Here is the second installment of Los Angeles Insight where [Jonah from LA Blogs] pose[s] a set of questions to be answered by Los Angeles bloggers. This time let's explore some of the culinary delights of the region.

1. Where is the last place you ate out?
French Quarter Market on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood! Melt-in-your-mouth goodness! Their menu specifically calls itself "a guide," and that you should feel free to be creative. I won't even mention the weirdness of dining in the shadow of an indoor gazebo, but anything you get will wash down nicely with the house blackberry lemonade.

2. How often do you eat out?
Probably about once or twice a day.

3. Where is the place you eat most?
Koji's on Hollywood and Highland (at the mall of the same name, though it would be better called "Hollywood Babylon" if their marketing department had any fooking sense. They've got giant elephants and bearded Mesopotamian deities n' shit. I can't take credit for that designation, however. Thank my friend Dave Lally from Chicago).

4. Where do you tell your friends that they "have to try"?
Killer Shrimp in Studio City.

5. What dish do they have to order when they get there?
Killer Shrimp! That's pretty much all they serve there. I think there might be yam pie or somesuch nonsense on the menu, but they can cram the yams and bring on the spiced scavengers! Get the bread 'n' broth version.

6. Where do you eat when money is not a concern?
Brasserie Les Voyous!

7. Where do you eat when money is tight?
Passion of the Sandwich on Cherokee just north of Hollywood Blvd. It's not really called that (I don't know its actual name, honestly). There will be a review on blogging.la to explain in the near future. They've got pretty darned delicious (and ridiculously cheap) sandwiches.

8. What restaurant have you wanted to try but haven't been to yet?
Crustacean!

Unggbidda, hundzee!

2004-08-02T23:21:17Z

Been sick for three days. Getting better. But one thing I've noticed is: the less I shower, the more my hair looks like Bob Dylan's.

As Staci remarked, "That's not a good thing."

Nightmare of the Elf

2004-07-20T06:30:22Z

Tomorrow night (Tuesday the 20th), I definitely plan on going to The Parlour Club in West Hollywood to check out my friends' band, Nightmare of the Elf. As they describe themselves:

"A truly wacky mixture of Oingo Boingo, Devo, Sonic Youth, and Bauhaus."

If you're in Los Angeles, why don't you come support a fookin' great band of splendid young gents? It's only $4, so it's not like you're going to waste a lot of money on a show you might not like.

But I doubt you wouldn't like it. You've got good taste!

Hear 'em here.

Sure, they're diabolical, but at least they're CHRISTIAN!

2004-05-29T02:23:04Z

My job requires that I tidy up copy errors wherever they might be found. Sometimes, I can't help but share the funny. Here's an example:

"The underlying strength of the program is a strong moral, ethical, and spiritual foundation. Though they are inter-demoninational, the setting is Christian."

Whew! What a relief! Heathen demons would be mighty dreadful.